1 00:00:03,127 --> 00:00:06,085 2 00:00:06,567 --> 00:00:09,525 3 00:00:10,087 --> 00:00:13,318 4 00:00:13,487 --> 00:00:16,877 5 00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,926 6 00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:24,477 7 00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:27,957 8 00:00:28,327 --> 00:00:30,841 9 00:00:35,487 --> 00:00:37,318 (CHILDREN LAUGHING) 10 00:00:48,727 --> 00:00:51,002 (OUT OF TOWN PLAYING) 11 00:01:06,407 --> 00:01:08,159 (INAUDIBLE) 12 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,723 RADIO COMMENTATOR: Up comes Foster from the Vauxhall End, 13 00:01:57,807 --> 00:02:01,163 he bowls to the right-handed Hooper and Hooper is caught at slip by Gooch. 14 00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,842 Now, Mr Meldrew, if you take one step to your left 15 00:02:21,927 --> 00:02:22,996 Yes? 16 00:02:23,087 --> 00:02:27,080 you'll be standing in a huge pile of dog's mess so watch where you're treading 17 00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:28,885 And smile! 18 00:03:18,287 --> 00:03:21,916 MARGARET: Which 1 960s album was banned in many shops 19 00:03:22,007 --> 00:03:24,077 because the cover depicted nude women? 20 00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:26,806 MRS WARBOYS: Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix MARGARET: Very good 21 00:03:26,887 --> 00:03:29,003 MRS WARBOYS: Green, please 22 00:03:29,087 --> 00:03:31,999 MARGARET: Which vegetable is the world's best-selling aphrodisiac? 23 00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,681 -Asparagus -Correct 24 00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:36,280 Three 25 00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:38,280 Pink, please 26 00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:42,756 What was the stage name of the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins? 27 00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:44,599 -Conway Twitty -Correct 28 00:03:44,687 --> 00:03:45,756 Two 29 00:03:46,447 --> 00:03:48,324 Two Green 30 00:03:48,727 --> 00:03:50,843 How many noses does an ant have? 31 00:03:50,927 --> 00:03:52,724 -Nine -Correct 32 00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,081 Orange 33 00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:00,355 Which famous actor 34 00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:03,484 (YELLING) Help! For God's sake, somebody help! 35 00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:06,843 We're stuck in the bloody middle of nowhere and we can't move 36 00:04:06,927 --> 00:04:11,079 If anyone can hear us, for the love of God, help! 37 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:22,478 athlete won the 1 952 Olympic marathon? 38 00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:24,478 -Emil Zatopek -Correct 39 00:04:25,167 --> 00:04:27,397 One Green for a wedge, please 40 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:31,000 What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of? 41 00:04:31,087 --> 00:04:32,759 -Violets -Correct 42 00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:38,042 For goodness sake! How the bloody hell do you know all these? 43 00:04:38,207 --> 00:04:39,435 Sorry, Mr Meldrew? 44 00:04:39,527 --> 00:04:43,315 Excrement of a gazelle What do you do, go about sniffing it? 45 00:04:43,447 --> 00:04:46,007 How many noses Conway Twitty's got 46 00:04:46,407 --> 00:04:50,923 Forty minutes we've been playing and no else has had a question yet 47 00:04:51,607 --> 00:04:55,077 Anyway, I've had enough of this stupid game Don't know why you had to bring it 48 00:05:09,287 --> 00:05:11,721 ''Let's all go out for a nice day in the country'' 49 00:05:11,807 --> 00:05:15,641 Start off on the A1 4 3 and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now. 50 00:05:16,007 --> 00:05:18,521 Four hours we've been marooned here 51 00:05:18,687 --> 00:05:20,598 Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle 52 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,440 when the river split into three back there, didn't we, Mr Meldrew? 53 00:05:23,527 --> 00:05:25,119 Funny how things turn out 54 00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:27,926 Funny? Yes It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread 55 00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:31,636 I could sew up my sides where they're split from laughing 56 00:05:36,887 --> 00:05:39,162 If we had any oars left, it would be a start 57 00:05:39,247 --> 00:05:40,600 There was nothing wrong with that idea 58 00:05:40,687 --> 00:05:43,406 That was a good idea to try and punt our way back 59 00:05:43,487 --> 00:05:46,604 Not my fault they got stuck in the mud and left behind 60 00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,481 We don't even know which way the way back is now 61 00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:52,240 We're completely and utterly lost 62 00:05:53,007 --> 00:05:58,001 Help! For God's sake, somebody out there, help! 63 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,079 All tense again now 64 00:06:11,927 --> 00:06:14,236 Going to have to have another Valium 65 00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:18,286 Why don't you go and take half a dozen at once and put us all out of our misery? 66 00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:21,803 It's no good shouting It only keeps making your nose bleed again 67 00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:29,719 Bloody freezing now 68 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:34,959 And I'm dying to go to the toilet Got a bladder like an ice bucket 69 00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,803 Has anybody seen the lid to this? 70 00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:40,756 Yes, I think you'll find it's over there 71 00:06:44,127 --> 00:06:45,560 Bloody thing 72 00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:54,925 What is he 73 00:06:55,007 --> 00:06:57,885 Do you mean to say we're only in two feet of water? 74 00:07:01,407 --> 00:07:05,241 Why the bloody hell didn't you tell us, for God's sake? 75 00:07:05,327 --> 00:07:07,921 Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here 76 00:07:09,207 --> 00:07:11,004 and play Trivial Pursuit 77 00:07:15,007 --> 00:07:18,602 God only knows how we'll get back to that boathouse from here 78 00:07:18,687 --> 00:07:21,838 On the Burma Railway at this rate 79 00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:26,999 Mind your new dress in these thorns, Mrs Warboys, they're very sharp 80 00:07:29,327 --> 00:07:31,841 Mind her new dress? 81 00:07:32,047 --> 00:07:35,483 What about my new dress, thank you very much 82 00:07:37,007 --> 00:07:38,076 Oh! 83 00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:41,525 Is that new as well? You never said 84 00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:43,275 Never 85 00:07:44,487 --> 00:07:47,320 I knew it was going to be one of these days 86 00:07:47,407 --> 00:07:51,798 If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on, she'd have turned up wearing one 87 00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:53,516 (TEARING) 88 00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:54,881 (SHRIEKING) 89 00:08:02,287 --> 00:08:04,243 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 90 00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:11,481 Oh, great! That's all we needed 91 00:08:12,887 --> 00:08:15,560 NICK: Mr Meldrew Up here 92 00:08:15,647 --> 00:08:17,126 Come and see 93 00:08:17,967 --> 00:08:22,279 Oh, goody What's he found this time? Some fresh stoat dung? 94 00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:29,442 Must have veered off the road or something and then couldn't get it going again 95 00:08:29,527 --> 00:08:34,476 Now, he's locked the front door, but the back is still open 96 00:08:35,247 --> 00:08:39,559 At least we can take cover until the rain eases off What do you think? 97 00:09:14,447 --> 00:09:16,085 (SNORING) 98 00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,526 Hello! Wakey-wakey, everyone! 99 00:09:19,967 --> 00:09:23,960 It's quite nice out here now I've just been watching two frogs having sex 100 00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:26,766 -It was incredibly exciting -Was it? 101 00:09:26,847 --> 00:09:28,678 Yes, well, come on Let's get moving 102 00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:32,726 We might be lucky enough to see a toad getting a tadpole into trouble 103 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:36,246 Got a cramp that's driving me bananas 104 00:09:36,647 --> 00:09:39,798 Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well I can hardly feel it 105 00:09:39,887 --> 00:09:41,718 Well, you go first and I'll 106 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:49,042 -How did this happen? -Oh, my God! Oh, Mr Meldrew 107 00:09:49,127 --> 00:09:52,483 -Oh, my God! -Oh, I don't believe it 108 00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:56,442 -Victor, what is it? -What is it? What does it bloody look like? 109 00:09:56,527 --> 00:09:59,883 There's a sack of cement with our bloody feet inside! 110 00:10:03,087 --> 00:10:07,319 Oh, God Oh, how do these things happen? 111 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:11,286 Look, it's all right, don't panic It's only a small bag of mortar 112 00:10:11,447 --> 00:10:14,280 We'll soon get that off No problem 113 00:10:50,887 --> 00:10:53,401 Well, this is the life, isn't it? 114 00:10:53,807 --> 00:10:56,685 I always think you've never lived 115 00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,998 until you've been forced to trudge for three miles up a dirt track 116 00:11:00,087 --> 00:11:02,476 with a sack of concrete on the end of your leg 117 00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:04,797 I can't believe how hard that stuff sets 118 00:11:04,887 --> 00:11:07,845 I felt for sure that tyre lever would've managed to crack it open 119 00:11:07,927 --> 00:11:10,680 Yes, but on the other hand, it was stunningly effective 120 00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:12,405 in breaking three of my toes 121 00:11:12,487 --> 00:11:16,196 But, by a lucky coincidence, they're already all in plaster 122 00:11:16,287 --> 00:11:18,517 So it couldn't have worked out better 123 00:11:33,327 --> 00:11:35,079 Right That's it 124 00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:39,558 I've put it off for as long as is humanly possible, Mrs Warboys, 125 00:11:39,647 --> 00:11:44,004 but I'm afraid I can't last another second 126 00:11:45,127 --> 00:11:48,597 Oh, no! No, no, Mr Meldrew Please! 127 00:11:48,687 --> 00:11:51,247 Victor, can't you bottle it up? 128 00:11:51,327 --> 00:11:55,878 If I had a bottle, yes But failing that, I'll just have to use this tree 129 00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,444 Sorry, Mrs Warboys 130 00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:04,119 You'll just have to look the other way and put your fingers in your ears 131 00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:11,915 Why do men always have to do it up against something? 132 00:12:13,887 --> 00:12:16,526 I've never been able to fathom it out 133 00:12:46,927 --> 00:12:48,679 Oh, God! 134 00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:52,597 How much further, Mr Meldrew? 135 00:12:53,527 --> 00:12:56,758 We've been walking for two hours now 136 00:12:56,847 --> 00:13:00,760 We must be close to some form of civilisation by now 137 00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:03,399 (PANTING) 138 00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:18,637 Let's see what's around this corner, perhaps there's a farmhouse or something 139 00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:32,083 I don't believe 140 00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:35,801 MARGARET: This isn't happening 141 00:13:35,887 --> 00:13:42,520 Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle 142 00:13:43,887 --> 00:13:46,640 I just 143 00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:48,683 (MARGARET SCREAMING) 144 00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:51,600 Look! Look, it's a car! 145 00:13:51,727 --> 00:13:53,160 Oh, thank God! 146 00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:54,800 Stop! 147 00:13:57,287 --> 00:13:59,755 Stop! Please stop! 148 00:14:00,127 --> 00:14:02,846 (ALL YELLING FRANTICALLY) 149 00:14:02,927 --> 00:14:05,043 (CAR HONKING) 150 00:14:18,687 --> 00:14:20,120 MARGARET: Can you get up? 151 00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:22,402 Joyriding louts! 152 00:14:23,607 --> 00:14:26,963 Thank God for that I thought I'd never see it again 153 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:31,080 MARGARET: No bones broken or anything? MRS WARBOYS: I don't think so 154 00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:33,965 NICK: Careful now Mr Meldrew, are you all right? 155 00:14:34,087 --> 00:14:37,238 NICK: Mrs Warboys, be careful MARGARET: Come on 156 00:14:39,527 --> 00:14:41,518 It's getting darker by the second 157 00:14:41,607 --> 00:14:44,883 We can't make Jean walk any further 158 00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:49,046 Somebody is going to have to go and get help and the rest of us will wait in the van 159 00:14:49,127 --> 00:14:50,321 Well, do you want 160 00:14:50,407 --> 00:14:53,877 I'll go It's the only sensible thing I'll go myself 161 00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:56,558 I'll be back as soon as I can 162 00:14:56,647 --> 00:15:01,198 For goodness sake, be careful, Mr Meldrew You never know what's out there 163 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,561 Good evening 164 00:17:16,647 --> 00:17:20,560 I'm terribly sorry to disturb you at this hour, 165 00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:24,242 but I'm afraid my wife and some friends and I, we're horribly lost 166 00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:31,956 It's not far from here I wonder if I could use your phone to call the police or somebody 167 00:17:32,047 --> 00:17:34,641 You're all muddy and wet 168 00:17:35,407 --> 00:17:37,398 You need a good, hot bath 169 00:17:39,927 --> 00:17:41,155 Thanks 170 00:17:48,647 --> 00:17:51,400 This is the downstairs bathroom 171 00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:54,561 There's two other ones upstairs 172 00:17:55,807 --> 00:17:58,765 I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you 173 00:17:58,847 --> 00:18:03,398 And so you're going to phone the police for me, are you? 174 00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:08,837 Lovely Thanks very much, then 175 00:18:24,807 --> 00:18:28,322 Mr Gorshin, what are you doing out of bed at this time of night? 176 00:18:53,407 --> 00:18:55,204 Good night, Miss Lander 177 00:18:55,287 --> 00:18:57,005 Good night, Rachel 178 00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:29,636 You turn right at the end of this road, then fork left for 1 00 yards 179 00:20:29,727 --> 00:20:31,445 and you'll be right back at the boathouse 180 00:20:31,527 --> 00:20:33,757 It's literally a 1 0-minute walk 181 00:20:33,847 --> 00:20:35,326 Right Thanks 182 00:20:35,927 --> 00:20:38,361 Make sure I got the car keys Yes 183 00:20:38,847 --> 00:20:40,758 And I'm sorry about the 184 00:20:40,847 --> 00:20:42,644 I'm sorry about the misunderstanding 185 00:20:42,727 --> 00:20:46,356 I'm afraid Mr Gorshin is a little on the hyperactive side 186 00:20:46,527 --> 00:20:48,836 I'll have a quiet word with him when you've gone 187 00:20:48,927 --> 00:20:50,724 Right Thanks Bye 188 00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:00,877 No! No! 189 00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:02,878 Don't make me 190 00:21:03,207 --> 00:21:07,280 No, no Please don't make me 191 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,837 No, please It's those horrible dreams 192 00:21:10,927 --> 00:21:12,804 They're horrible 193 00:21:12,887 --> 00:21:15,799 Please don't make me go back to bed 194 00:21:15,887 --> 00:21:17,718 -Please go away! -I've tried the intravenous sedative 195 00:21:17,807 --> 00:21:19,718 He knocked it out of my hands 196 00:21:23,127 --> 00:21:25,277 Get up, you stupid old fool 197 00:21:25,447 --> 00:21:27,961 -Get up off the floor -Did you hear? 198 00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:29,681 Get up! 199 00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:32,725 You must like limping, do you? 200 00:21:32,807 --> 00:21:34,206 (MOANING) 201 00:21:47,687 --> 00:21:49,882 GORSHIN: No! Leave me alone! 202 00:21:49,967 --> 00:21:51,320 (GROANING) 203 00:21:52,207 --> 00:21:54,118 (CLATTERING) 204 00:21:54,367 --> 00:21:56,198 (GROANING) 205 00:22:12,727 --> 00:22:14,046 (WOMAN SCREAMING) 206 00:22:14,127 --> 00:22:15,719 (GORSHIN YELLING) 207 00:22:19,367 --> 00:22:22,404 LANDER: I don't think we'll have too much trouble from them tonight 208 00:22:22,487 --> 00:22:25,638 We'll see if they've cooled down a bit by tomorrow morning 209 00:22:54,007 --> 00:22:56,237 (TELEVISION BLARING) 210 00:23:07,087 --> 00:23:09,157 (BANGING) 211 00:23:15,407 --> 00:23:17,682 (THUMPING) 212 00:23:45,607 --> 00:23:47,279 (LOUD CLATTERING) 213 00:24:43,767 --> 00:24:46,725 I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom 214 00:24:46,807 --> 00:24:47,842 Oh 215 00:24:47,927 --> 00:24:49,076 Right 216 00:24:55,207 --> 00:24:56,879 So you did There 217 00:24:57,687 --> 00:24:59,359 -Good night -Good night 218 00:24:59,767 --> 00:25:02,281 Oh, sorry I very nearly forgot 219 00:25:02,647 --> 00:25:04,046 Nearly forgot what? 220 00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:08,359 I very nearly forgot to call you an evil, loathsome bastard 221 00:25:08,767 --> 00:25:11,361 I wouldn't treat a sewage rat the way you treat these people 222 00:25:11,447 --> 00:25:14,883 and I shall be calling the social services department first thing in the morning 223 00:25:14,967 --> 00:25:17,879 to tell them about the sickening brutality that goes on around here 224 00:25:17,967 --> 00:25:20,276 in the name of geriatric care 225 00:25:20,367 --> 00:25:23,803 I have to look after the welfare of all my residents, 226 00:25:23,887 --> 00:25:25,639 not just one or two 227 00:25:26,327 --> 00:25:29,364 You haven't the first understanding of the way their minds work 228 00:25:29,447 --> 00:25:31,802 or the destructive behaviour they're capable of 229 00:25:31,887 --> 00:25:35,357 I'm sorry What language are you talking in now? 230 00:25:35,447 --> 00:25:37,483 It appears to be bollocks 231 00:25:37,607 --> 00:25:41,236 Get out now or I'll have you forcibly ejected 232 00:25:41,327 --> 00:25:42,646 Martin! Sonia! 233 00:25:42,727 --> 00:25:46,686 Oh, I think you'll find they've all gone sleepy-byes now actually 234 00:25:46,887 --> 00:25:48,843 Half a dozen Valium each 235 00:25:49,487 --> 00:25:54,117 Yes In fact, I should think you're ready for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you? 236 00:25:54,207 --> 00:25:56,641 I want you out of this building 237 00:25:57,287 --> 00:26:00,723 and if anyone calls the authorities, it'll be me ringing the police 238 00:26:00,807 --> 00:26:04,163 to report an aged pervert who broke into my bathroom tonight 239 00:26:04,247 --> 00:26:05,521 and exposed himself 240 00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:08,167 For the last time, are you 241 00:26:08,687 --> 00:26:10,643 (LANDER SCREAMING) 242 00:26:14,847 --> 00:26:16,963 (CACKLING) 243 00:26:39,047 --> 00:26:42,357 I don't think you'll have any more trouble with them tonight, but keep the door locked 244 00:26:42,447 --> 00:26:45,359 I'll make sure there's someone round first thing 245 00:26:59,287 --> 00:27:00,686 Mr Meldrew? 246 00:27:02,727 --> 00:27:04,001 Where did you come from? 247 00:27:04,087 --> 00:27:06,885 Well, I managed to get the van started in the end, bypassed the ignition 248 00:27:06,967 --> 00:27:11,006 I just dropped the ladies off at the car, then I came back to look for you 249 00:27:11,167 --> 00:27:13,840 -What's being going on? -I'll tell you in a minute 250 00:27:13,927 --> 00:27:17,158 Do we have four more bags of cement in there, by any chance? 251 00:27:17,487 --> 00:27:18,761 What for? 252 00:27:23,327 --> 00:27:26,399 Oh, there's certainly evidence of some shocking mistreatment 253 00:27:26,487 --> 00:27:28,079 No question about that 254 00:27:28,167 --> 00:27:30,806 Biggest question of all is, what happened to the staff? 255 00:27:30,887 --> 00:27:32,878 Where did they all vanish to suddenly? 256 00:27:32,967 --> 00:27:35,162 Can't get any sense out of the residents 257 00:27:35,247 --> 00:27:37,044 Just some story about a mystery man 258 00:27:37,127 --> 00:27:39,038 who appeared from nowhere in the middle of the night, 259 00:27:39,127 --> 00:27:40,924 like The Lone Ranger. 260 00:27:42,207 --> 00:27:46,405 WOMAN: I expect they all got the wind up, decided to make a run for it before we got here 261 00:27:46,487 --> 00:27:48,125 I suppose that's it, yes 262 00:27:48,207 --> 00:27:50,960 Okay, Sergeant, all yours for statements 263 00:28:00,807 --> 00:28:04,083 -Somebody! -Help! 264 00:28:04,167 --> 00:28:05,520 Help! 265 00:28:23,247 --> 00:28:26,159 266 00:28:26,647 --> 00:28:29,639 267 00:28:30,127 --> 00:28:33,039 268 00:28:33,447 --> 00:28:36,564 269 00:28:37,047 --> 00:28:40,084 270 00:28:40,567 --> 00:28:43,479 271 00:28:43,967 --> 00:28:46,879 272 00:28:47,527 --> 00:28:50,485 273 00:28:50,887 --> 00:28:54,766 274 00:28:54,927 --> 00:28:58,237 275 00:28:58,407 --> 00:29:01,956 and I can still misbehave 276 00:29:02,487 --> 00:29:04,603 277 00:29:05,727 --> 00:29:08,036 278 00:29:09,207 --> 00:29:12,005 279 00:29:12,055 --> 00:29:16,605 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0